LIVE TWEETS FROM IKEA - After Hours!

  • 10.05PM: Walked into Ikea and got lost in the show rooms. Set up base camp in the bedroom area. Will continue my journey to the exit in the morning.
  • 10.08PM: I don't think those toilets are hooked up to anything...
  • 10.09PM: That display was so clean and white...
  • 10.11PM: I sent my wife out to look for food. She has been gone for over an hour. I hope the locals didn't get her...
  • 10.12PM: This multi tool is useless! I can't use it for anything!
  • 10.15PM: Shit! They turned out the lights! My love, if you can read this, head for the candle department! NO TEALIGHTS!!!!
  • 10.19PM: Lets play a game. Try to find something here that isn't available in white.
  • 10.20PM: Found some Swedish meatballs in the trash. We might make it through the night. God bless this wasteful society!
  • 10.20PM: Oh, this fork is made out of recycled diapers. That's so environmentally responsible...and nauseating.
  • 10.23PM: Just ran from a pack of feral security guards. I managed to trip one with my multi tool. And by trip, I mean I jammed it down his goddamn throat, and the others stopped to help him. Welcome to the Thunderdome bitches!
  • 10.25PM: I think I'm starting to succumb to the Ikea Madness...and it hasn't even been a half hour yet...has it?
  • 10.28PM: Thinking about breaking down some of this furniture to start a bonfire...but without my multi tool, I can only do so much. Where did I put that anyw...oh yeah... Not my best idea today.
  • 10.32PM: I think I lost my wife!
  • 10.38PM: I have encountered some locals. They don't speak English, but I imagine its Swedish or something. They look like vampires. Must be the overnight staff.
  • 10.42PM: Oh look, an emergency exit. I guess my wife will have to find her own way home...
  • 10.45PM: Left an apology note for the manager - "I'm sorry you locked me in your store of Swedish doom & anarchy. Peace Out Bitches!"

JESUS SAYS LET ME SLEEP GODDAMNIT!

It’s a little after 11am.  Normally I get to sleep in on Sundays, as I work six days a week, and am required to be up around 5am on those days, I really enjoy sleeping in on Sundays. 

As soon as the clock struck 8am, I was assaulted with Christian Rock music blasting through the walls of my home.  At first I though my neighbour had found Jesus, but the sound was coming from the open field across the street.  It was some kind of church picnic…or a Woodstock for those who wish to be saved.

This had been going on for over an hour.

So, I walked across the street to confront the jackass controlling their PA system.
As I’m making my way through the crowd, the reverend preacher guy comes up to me and quietly says that it’s not appropriate for me to be wandering through his outdoor congregation in my bathrobe.

I gave him a disgusted look, and yelled in front of all his little followers: 
"I’M NOT GAY! YOU SUCKED MY COCK!”

Well, for some people who are supposedly open minded and forgiving, they sure didn’t see the humor in that.

According to the police, I was the one causing the disturbance. 

My court date is on September 27th.